There’s a lot of buzz out there on how we can use social media tools to find a job, gain followers and even get qualified leads. But while we go about our lives there are many more important, if slightly more mundane, advantages for using social media.

How to piss people off in 140 characters or less

Some of us have been given the gift of being able to upset people with the things we say and write. But you don’t have to accept your limitations, while you can’t just jump into social media douchebagism, and there is no replacement for an innate ability to be an ass, you can get most of the way there with diligence, hard work and study. Don’t be afraid to screw up, there are plenty of us out there ready to tell you that you did, how and why that makes you a dumbass.

#1 Don’t limit yourself to people you know, trust and like.

It’s far easier to piss people off if you don’t really know them, aren’t super sure about them or already kinda don’t like them. Everyone is a potential former follower.

#2 Don’t think before you post a tweet.

This is the last thing you want to do. If your first instinct is, “it’s kind of out-there, but I’m pretty sure they’ll get it and think it’s funny too.” You’re probably right. If they don’t get it they’re too candyassed to be on twitter. Fire away.

#3 If you can’t say something nice…

Then don’t. The rule is 140 characters. If you can slam someone with that then do it. But don’t settle for the obvious. Get creative.

#4 Use a ton of profanity

Twitter is not for the faint of heart. Let the eff bombs fly.

#5 Don’t treat it like an open forum.

While anyone can get in and anyone can participate, they don’t have to. If they don’t like what you’re saying they don’t have to listen to you. It’s not an excuse, it’s an argument. Throw it out there, and you’ve won.

#6 Criticize the competition and insinuate that they’re douchebags
Social media is meant to cut all the bullshit out of political discourse. If you have more than 150 followers that means that a grip of people care what you think, so you should tell them.

#7 Use anonymous twitter accounts to slam your friends.
There is seriously nothing funnier than trying to get your followers to look at some shock-porn site. But there are obvious drawbacks to using your personal account for that. The anonymous twitter profile takes that problem completely away.

#8 Don’t go easy on it just because clients are following you

When you think about it, this makes no sense. They’re YOUR clients. They came to you because you know waaaaaayyy more about social media than they do. Who are they to judge whether or not your tweets are inappropriate, offensive or potentially infringing on your non-disclosure agreement. Just tell them that twitter is about authenticity. End of conversation.

#9 Never admit to having a sense of humor

You’re not funny unless people think that potentially, you’re serious. Like that scene in Good Fellas. That was SOOOOOOO funny, and only cause the guy thought My Cousin Vinny might actually disembowel him with a “gat.” GOLD!

Note: This is like apologizing and you never what to do it. Nothing good can come of admitting that you went too far and hurt someone you didn’t mean to hurt or posted something overly snarky that in retrospect you regret and wish you hadn’t done it. That’s not what social media is about. 

#10 Retweet, Retweet, Retweet

Just because one of your followers burns one of your other followers on twitter doesn’t mean you can’t get in on the action. Retweet the burn and add a comment if there is room. Either way, most people have no idea what a retweet is so they’ll think that it was your burn. They won’t really understand who got burned, or really, you know, WHY, but they’ll recognize that there was a burn, that you did it, and they’ll think you’re a badass for it, and you’ll get more followers.

This list is BY NO MEANS complete. Just know that these people are FOLLOWERS, not FRIENDS. We all know what a FRIEND is, but the great thing about social media is that it isn’t clear what a FOLLOWER is. Things are unclear. It’s too early to tell. The book hasn’t been written…

UNTILL NOW!!!!!!!

In July you’ll have a chance to download my eBook called “Social Media: Donky punch your career in 140 characters or less.” Subscribe to updates here.

-M

This post is tagged twitter social media douchebag