On May 12, 2008 a friend sent me an amusing video via email with the subject line: Women Farting in Public Toilets urging that i find a way to post it to The Bacon Strip. One of the things that, then burgeoning, YouTube allowed recipients of email forwards who also blog to do was to upload that content so that it could be embedded on a website and shared without clogging up email inboxes.

So I uploaded it, posted it and had a laugh.

Since then, the video had become my most viewed upload on YouTube. It has almost 293,000 views and gets about 100 views a day. A while back YouTube asked if I wanted to do a revenue share on it, but since it isn’t my content, that won’t go. Here’s the video:

I was just poking around on the insights on this and found some interesting things. First, about this video: It’s the Graham Norton Show, a BBC offering that is some kind of sketch comedy something or other. Dreadful really. This is from an episode featuring guests Sharon Gless and Tyne Daly, stars of the ’80′s ladycop show Cagney and Lacey.

Next, some insights about who watches this video on YouTube:

As you would expect, men are the biggest consumers of videos about women farting. This is no surprise. Women might consider being a little more relaxed. Could be good for picking up dudes.

Demographics of users on social media of all kinds have been trending older. This we knew. I was still surprised to find that the largest group interested in viewing videos of women farting was men, 45 – 54. There are still questions. Is it the farting or the public toilets? This is hardly scientific. Lamentably, i don’t see a way to scientifically sample the vagaries of women farting vs. women in public toilets in online video views.

Interesting thing here is that Facebook is the largest single source of links to this video. But at only .97 percent of the total views, even the largest controbutor isn’t really a “gamechanger.” Sure this is a power law, but it’s no 80/20 rule. This is a long motherfucking tail!

Lastly, this is the curve of views from day one to now. You can see that it’s gradual and only over long time scales can you expect to get large views even on content as compelling as women farting in public toilets.

How do you make something go viral? Post a prurient video, then wait 3 years. Just make sure it doesn’t have any copyrighted content in it, and you can get a kickback from the YouTube ads…

-M

I can’t remember the first time this email forward about stupid things lawyers say hit my inbox, but I’ve gotten it so many times that it doesn’t matter. It’s one of those stories that everyone thinks is funny and sends along. Aparently it’s appeal hasn’t died since my little sister just sent it again. I will say that the book Disorder in the American Courts, from which this originates, was published in 1999…

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?a
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

ForwarDisposal is my ongoing project to archive all those email forwards that i still continue to get after 15 or so years of using the medium. Read them all here. Submit your favorites here.

So often things get lost in translation. Other times you find things that you never knew were there. Here’s an example of both sent by my uncle in Texas, complete with the original comic sans type:

When you are in a book store and cannot find the book that you want, you are obviously in the…

Forwarded to me by my sister, from her boyfriend. I’ve found no better representation of how unorganized biological systems are so well interconnected and interdependent.

While it’s true that steer manure is commonly used as fertilizer for gardens and small organic farms, most commercial scale agriculture operations use petroleum based fertilizers and pesticides, and no one really eats whatever grows on the pastures where cattle graze and shit. Still, it’s funny.

-M

The following came from a local Ad Club Contact who got it from her husband. Where it came before that I don’t know. I’m guessing is is apocriphal since it came in scrolldown chronological order and most email strings are in reverse order.

Nevertheless, it’s funny and reproduced here for your enjoyment:

From: Simon
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm
To: David
Subject: Logo Design

Hello David,

I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer to peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.

Simon

From: David
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.

From: Simon
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

From: David
Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

You are correct and I apologise. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.

I would no doubt find your ideas more ‘cutting edge’ and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950′s but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects, that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them, fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.

Regards, David.

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

From: David
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,

So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.

When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father’s portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report “Cause of accident?” I stated ‘time travel attempt’ but she wrote down ‘stupidity’.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas. I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon’s the day before a large family gathering.

Regards, David.

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yaght. Ciao.

From: David
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a fucking smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts which would have taken you a few fucking hours.

From: David
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon

Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don’t ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of “Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that”, this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for.

Regards, David.

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

What the fuck is your point? Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

From: David
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Do not ever email me again.

From: David
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm
To: Simon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.

Regards, David.

From: Simon
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design

Get fucked.

About ForwarDisposal:

These posts are copied email forwards archived here for future generations. They are not original content by me and I have no more info on the provenience than is presented above.

Sent from my dad. Actual IRS Auditor and Rabbi were not disposed to comment.

Got any great email forwards? Send them to me.

At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’
‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’

Moshe the randy rabbi, by Zach_ManchesterUK

‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

‘What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’ ‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
‘We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.’

‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?’

‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi.
‘What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.’

ForwarDisposal is an effort to chronicle all the humorous, insightful, and toughing email forwards I get every day. Because not everyone has email, by posting them here to this blog I am improving access to this amazing content for everyone. Read more.

Send from my dad via whoknowswhere. I have not verified any of these “facts.”

Got any great email forwards? Send them to me.

I Love This Doctor

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO …. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION…..

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

ForwarDisposal is an effort to chronicle all the humorous, insightful, and toughing email forwards I get every day. Because not everyone has email, by posting them here to this blog I am improving access to this amazing content for everyone. Read more.

Every day you uncle, your dad, your friends who are over 40 send you at least one retarded email forward meant to inspire, redeem, amuse or swindle you. This proves that email is not dead.

A  new feature here @ iaimccw: Those stupid mail forwards that people send you. I’m going to start cataloging them here. Send your awesome forwards to me @ forwarddisposal at iamintisposed dot com.

Author Unknown:

ARLINGTON CEMETERY -

Jeopardy Question

On Jeopardy the other night, the final question was “How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns” —- All three missed it –

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the tomb of the Unknowns and why?

21 steps: It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute which is
the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?

21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1

3. Why are his gloves wet?

His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time
and, if not, why not?

He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?

Guards are changed every thirty minutes,
twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?

For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be
between 5′ 10′ and 6′ 2′ tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30.

They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the
rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform or the tomb in any way.

After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on
their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only
400 presently worn. The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their
lives or give up the wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt.

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform.. Guards dress for duty
in front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone nor
watch TV All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid
to rest in Arlington National Cemetery . A guard must memorize who they are
and where they are interred. Among the notables are:

President Taft,
Joe Lewis {the boxer}
Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, the most
decorated soldier of WWII of Hollywood fame.

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for
guard duty.

ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC, our
US Senate/House took 2 days off with anticipation of the storm. On the ABC
evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the
hurricane, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of
the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment. They
respectfully declined the offer, ‘No way, Sir!’ Soaked to the skin,
marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding
the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be
afforded to a serviceperson. The tomb has been patrolled continuously,
24/7, since 1930.

God Bless and keep them.

IN GOD WE TRUST